Friday, January 24, 2014

BE.


I joined in the One Little Word movement this year with my word, BE.  I am really looking forward to working on this new project, on the new me.  I adore Ali Edwards and her work, so deep down I knew that this was the right time for me to take this on, that this was a good fit.  I welcome you to pull up a chair.... this might get a little long!

I have been working on getting back to me...to BE the real me again.  Over the past couple of years I have been forced to overcome some pretty enormous events.  For those of you who may not know me that well... let me share my story.

 In the Fall of 2010, I unexpectedly lost my dad.  Now my relationship with my dad wasn't like most.... he was an amazing father!  And on most days one of my best friends.  He was there for my kids when others weren't.  My girls and I lived with my parents until 2008.... my dad hated us moving out, but we needed to do so to grow as a family.  So needless to say, we were close.  Losing him was devastating even on the best of days.  I often describe this feeling as losing my left arm.  There was a very large piece of myself that was missing once he was gone.  It took everything I had at the time but I picked up what pieces I could and continued on... my girls needed me.

Shortly after we lost my dad, my moms health started declining.  We faced issues not often found in a 57 year old, more common in like an 87 year old.  Her kidneys were failing, she had stomach issues, and she was suffering from severe depression.  I, am an only child so she became my responsibility to take care of.  With the increase of the health issues, came the increase of medications.  Some good, some bad, and some completely unnecessarily prescribed.  I had the feeling that some of her Doctors were just writing prescriptions just to get her out of the office faster. This only added more problems to our already growing list.  Early in 2011 I found her unconscious at home, and was forced to call 911.  The entire incident with my dad flashed before my eyes and I was positive that I was going to be an orphan before I was 30.  I was terrified!  After this incident came several more.  Taking care of my mom became a full time job for me on top of my family and kiddos.  Eventually after going back and forth we decided to end our lease on my house and move back in with my mom, so that it was more convenient to take care of her.  Once we moved back in there were improvements and her depression seemed to get better.

While we were at the lake in July of 2012 my mom had an accident at home.  She had fallen and hit her head resulting in a Traumatic Brain Injury.  She was taken to our local hospital, and later transferred to a Brain Trauma Unit about 45 minutes from home.  She was placed in the ICU for three nights and then as she started to wake up she was put on the Brain Injury floor.  I had no idea what to expect at this time.  I was mad, I was hurt, and I was so upset that my dad wasn't there to help me.  She eventually came to, with a large amount of memory loss.  She saw lots of doctors, lots of specialists, and continued to improve.  But unfortunately she just wasn't my mom.  In all actuality, I was an orphan.  I no longer had the parents that I had known and loved as a child.  At this time I was at my lowest of lows.

My mom wasn't allowed to come home, she faced months and possibly years of rehabilitation.  I was left to take care of her bills, her papers, her insurance, everything.  And it was much more that I ever could have expected.  My days were spent on the phone, sending faxes and emails and making countless trips to meetings for my mom.  My life, my family, my well being, fell down the drain.  I was just existing, I wasn't BEing. 

In early 2013 after six months, my mom regained most of her memory.  She was released from the rehabilitation center, and returned home.  Some things have gotten better, some things remain forever changed.  But this is the year, this is the time that I am taking ME back.  That I am going to live the life that makes me happy, and that's best for my family. I want to be crafty again, I want to play,  I want to blog again... I want to BE!

(Thanks Steph for giving me the courage to be real)